little girl lost

my dad showed me a picture of myself when i was about 2. had just started school. it was a family portrait. 3 generations of family. i stood off to one side, sort of out of the picture. and i stood in my little green mini skirt, my favorite thing in the world, with my hair in a little afro puff.
 
everyone else was smiling. i looked basically like i look above. isolated. angry. aloof yet contentious. i was 2. it's the only surviving portrait i have of myself before adulthood.

my house burned down when i was in college. left in the care of my uncle, who clearly was the wrong man for the job, my entire family's legacy went up in flames.

my mom used to tease that i was the 'most photographed baby in the history of babies'. my father was obsessed. my parents were pretty heavy into photography. bought tons of cameras and lenses and developed their own film in our bathrooms. there was a red lightbulb in the bathroom right up until i was 6.

i envy people their family photos. their baby pictures. their tooth fairy stories. their bronzed booties. i have none of that. all i have is me as i am now and the fleeting memories i have of my childhood. flashes of color and light and nostalgia.
there are certainly worse things, but i wish that i could have even some small part of myself for myself. so i take all of these now. i obsessively photograph every minute detail of my life. because i want to look back one day and know me at 16. me at 22. me at 40. me crying. i want all of those memories. and all i have is what i occasionally see in the mirror now and then. my most recent photographs are of myself at 19. and this blog. when you grow up as i have, having something solid to hold onto feels so important.  

so today, july 12th, in my 23rd year, i share with you few my new favorite snack.

tates cookies, fresh strawberries, and cool whip. noms. this was important today. as was the green nailpolish in a hue that i have only just found out was all the rage. and i share it with you just as you share your lives and outfits and households with me. and that's as much of an anchor as i think i need today. thanks for reading.

mesh dress: rogan
white dress: michael stars
shoes: repetto
bag: triple five soul

little notes

Utterly obsessed with water and yet completely terrified of it. I think it's so beautiful, but I can't swim. Saved my little brother from nearly drowning twice before he even turned six. I would love to go scuba diving or deep sea diving in one of those little submarines. As a child, I wanted to be some sort of marine biologist. Or an astronaut. Or a surgeon.

I just love the feelings this photograph suggests.

The softness of texture and light here make me want to go somewhere, lay in a giant bed under a ceiling fan in lacy underthings and write.

Kinky, no? I can't tell if his eyes are closed. For me, it would project a very different feel depending on which. I like the myriad textures.

A position I've found myself in many a time...
...leading to this kind of feeling.
I grew up in the woods, on a farm, surrounded by nature. I live in the Bronx, now. I still miss actual trees, walking barefoot on my own grass, being able to look down at the river and the ocean from my house, which was atop a mountain.
Childhood.

I wonder what they were doing? When I was growing up, I lived for awhile in an area that was essentially a dust bowl--very flat and all open spaces. The sunsets used to look something like this, blazing the bleak neighborhood with light.
Sucker for light eyes.
Dreaming of summer. As I don boots, hat, scarf, cardigan, parka, gloves...

all imgs via tfs

plaid over plaid

new tights. they spent the whole day sliding down my legs. SO irritating.

dress: bcbg
tights: hue(?)
belt: steve madden
shoes: mine de rien
coat: walter
scarf: random
bag: burberry

hump day tomorrow...yesssss.

currently suffering from a career bump, up in the air about what to do...and fearing the landing. empathizers are welcome.

in head over heels cyber love with this babe:

that HAIR. those shorts!



maya vik via the street hearts