little girl lost

my dad showed me a picture of myself when i was about 2. had just started school. it was a family portrait. 3 generations of family. i stood off to one side, sort of out of the picture. and i stood in my little green mini skirt, my favorite thing in the world, with my hair in a little afro puff.
everyone else was smiling. i looked basically like i look above. isolated. angry. aloof yet contentious. i was 2. it's the only surviving portrait i have of myself before adulthood.

my house burned down when i was in college. left in the care of my uncle, who clearly was the wrong man for the job, my entire family's legacy went up in flames.

my mom used to tease that i was the 'most photographed baby in the history of babies'. my father was obsessed. my parents were pretty heavy into photography. bought tons of cameras and lenses and developed their own film in our bathrooms. there was a red lightbulb in the bathroom right up until i was 6.

i envy people their family photos. their baby pictures. their tooth fairy stories. their bronzed booties. i have none of that. all i have is me as i am now and the fleeting memories i have of my childhood. flashes of color and light and nostalgia.
there are certainly worse things, but i wish that i could have even some small part of myself for myself. so i take all of these now. i obsessively photograph every minute detail of my life. because i want to look back one day and know me at 16. me at 22. me at 40. me crying. i want all of those memories. and all i have is what i occasionally see in the mirror now and then. my most recent photographs are of myself at 19. and this blog. when you grow up as i have, having something solid to hold onto feels so important.  

so today, july 12th, in my 23rd year, i share with you few my new favorite snack.

tates cookies, fresh strawberries, and cool whip. noms. this was important today. as was the green nailpolish in a hue that i have only just found out was all the rage. and i share it with you just as you share your lives and outfits and households with me. and that's as much of an anchor as i think i need today. thanks for reading.

mesh dress: rogan
white dress: michael stars
shoes: repetto
bag: triple five soul

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Anonymous Pour Porter said...

LURVE this outfit on you!

12/7/10 19:46  
Blogger Melody said...

I absolutely love your mesh dress. I want one for myself. & I am really liking the hair. You took so cute.

I love photographic every little moment of my life too. I enjoy looking back. Good times, bad times, I just like looking back.

12/7/10 19:51  
Blogger Damsels said...

Oh wow . that must have been so terrible for you. i cant imagine :(

your outfit is very pretty by theway .. i must admit that when i was younger i spent most my time with a frown on my face ./.still do. must be a new yorker thing

12/7/10 20:24  
Blogger Chic Therapy said...

Sorry to hear about that...My friend had a similar experience

12/7/10 21:43  
Blogger Daphne said...

I'm so sorry that you don't have things from your childhood to look back on. One thing you do have, though, is a real awareness of what your memories are. I have SO many photos of myself as a kid, and of my family and family's friends that I get confused and never know if I met some of the people or just saw their photo too many times. There are worse things, but sometimes I wish I knew what of my grandma who died when I was 4 is a real memory and what is just a composite. Know what I mean?
Anyway, you will look back at these photos one day and feel like you have a part of yourself back. So keep snapping away. And thankfully, now that we have digital images, this shouldn't ever have to happen to our kids!
I love this outfit. The shoes are so classic and that mesh is so unexpected. Great combo. And your hair looks beautiful, as always.

13/7/10 01:02  
Blogger koko // res pulchrae said...

Well now you have awesome pictures on your blog to look back on!

I almost neglected to read this post, I was so enamored by your outfit.

13/7/10 17:06  
Blogger InnyVinny said...

Promise me you won't become a hoarder...a lot of them have similar stories.

If it makes you feel any better, my mom ordered a dumpster and trashed everything after my dad died. I wasn't living there so I had no idea until she told me what she did. I don't have much either (one more thing to bond over!).

This is why we can't delete the archives, yo. We need to remember.

13/7/10 22:10  
Blogger Michelle Yue said...

"How could one describe, say, a love affair to a person who had never had one or imagined one? All expression does is wake up in the reader the impressions in his own experience which are otherwise dormant. And he will interpret what it said or written only in terms of that experience...

Every one interprets everything in terms of his own experience. If you say anything which does not touch a precisely similar spot in another man's brain, he either misunderstands you, or doesn't understand you at all."

This is one of my most favorite quotes of all time, and it describes how I felt after I read your post. I can't understand your situation completley, but I can say that I know what you mean by wanting to document your life and preserve your memories. I actually keep a planner filled with not only things that I need to do, but the "ordinary" things I do every day and the people I meet, so I can look back on any day and keep my memories.

On a lighter note, AMAZING DRESS!

14/7/10 16:09  
Blogger Prêt à Porter P said...

Happy belated birthday! When my brother and I were kids we made cassette tapes like our own "radio show" When I pre-teen I taped over them, at that age we're embarrassed by anything from our pasts. I regret that so much now, they were hysterically funny tapes.

14/7/10 18:19  

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