little girl lost
my dad showed me a picture of myself when i was about 2. had just started school. it was a family portrait. 3 generations of family. i stood off to one side, sort of out of the picture. and i stood in my little green mini skirt, my favorite thing in the world, with my hair in a little afro puff.
everyone else was smiling. i looked basically like i look above. isolated. angry. aloof yet contentious. i was 2. it's the only surviving portrait i have of myself before adulthood.
my house burned down when i was in college. left in the care of my uncle, who clearly was the wrong man for the job, my entire family's legacy went up in flames.
my mom used to tease that i was the 'most photographed baby in the history of babies'. my father was obsessed. my parents were pretty heavy into photography. bought tons of cameras and lenses and developed their own film in our bathrooms. there was a red lightbulb in the bathroom right up until i was 6.
i envy people their family photos. their baby pictures. their tooth fairy stories. their bronzed booties. i have none of that. all i have is me as i am now and the fleeting memories i have of my childhood. flashes of color and light and nostalgia.
there are certainly worse things, but i wish that i could have even some small part of myself for myself. so i take all of these now. i obsessively photograph every minute detail of my life. because i want to look back one day and know me at 16. me at 22. me at 40. me crying. i want all of those memories. and all i have is what i occasionally see in the mirror now and then. my most recent photographs are of myself at 19. and this blog. when you grow up as i have, having something solid to hold onto feels so important.
so today, july 12th, in my 23rd year, i share with you few my new favorite snack.
tates cookies, fresh strawberries, and cool whip. noms. this was important today. as was the green nailpolish in a hue that i have only just found out was all the rage. and i share it with you just as you share your lives and outfits and households with me. and that's as much of an anchor as i think i need today. thanks for reading.
mesh dress: rogan
white dress: michael stars
bag: triple five soul